Most of the year I write about practical matters—how to care for your body and your home—but in January I like to focus on the less tangible parts of life. In past years I’ve written about decluttering: identities, voices, and schedules—letting go of what drags us down. This year I’m approaching things from the other direction. Instead of taking things away, I want to add something that helps carry every burden: friendship.
There’s a saying I heard once: the hardest thing in the world to make is old friends. It echoes the proverb about trees—best to have planted one 20 years ago, but the second-best time is now. Old friends with shared history are a treasure, but if you don’t have them, today is a great day to start. Friendship can be planted now and allowed to grow.
4 a.m. friends
Some people equate having friends with having contacts or followers. But real friendship shows up in small tests. If you had an emergency at 4 a.m., could you call someone and know they would come? Marlene Dietrich said, “It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” Those are the friends who matter in crisis.
Beyond emergencies, friendship enriches life daily. Friends multiply joy and divide sorrow. They make the ordinary delightful, turn awkward moments into funny stories, and give perspective when we’re stuck in our own heads. They help us relax and laugh—benefits that support mental, emotional, and physical health.
What does friendship take?
Friendship has a cost, but not a monetary one. It asks for a different currency—time, risk, attention, and habit change—and the returns are unique and irreplaceable.
- Time: It often means replacing a mindless habit with intentional connection.
- Risk: Putting yourself out there, opening up, and making yourself vulnerable.
- Vigilance: Cultivating a relationship requires regular attention.
- Change of habit: Saying yes to invitations, making the call, or going somewhere new.
Where to find friends
People who can become friends usually come from three streams: old friends you’ve lost touch with, acquaintances or coworkers you haven’t invited into your life, and complete strangers. Here are a few real examples of how friendships began for me.
Stephanie and I met on a junior high lunch bench because we both loved books. Heather and I met on a campus bus at Duke and ended up close by the end of the year. B.B. and I were introduced by our mothers; the first meeting was short and chaotic, but naptime rules made sense later. Vicki and I connected through a playdate setup and a familiar last name at the door. La-Rene began as a cordial coworker, and the friendship deepened when she invited me to coffee.
These starts were simple and ordinary: a bench, a bus, a setup, a school meeting, a work gathering. The initial contact matters less than what follows: responding, making a plan, and saying yes.
Too busy for friendship?
I write these words to myself as much as to you. I’ve often told myself I didn’t have time for social life—too busy, too important to delay. A professional project recently consumed me, and while I kept family obligations, I sacrificed unscheduled “zero time” when connection naturally happens. That downtime is where casual conversations and spontaneous bonding occur, and losing it left me feeling flattened and a bit disconnected.
My friends waited, but rebuilding those habits has required intentional effort. If you’ve pushed connection aside, be gentle with yourself but also be deliberate about restoring it.
How to make friends
This is a different kind of how-to. Instead of measuring cups, get your phone. Send an invitation: coffee, a walk, an event. Keep it small and simple—no pressure to impress. A casual message like, “Hey, want to grab coffee?” or “It’s been a while—dinner sometime?” can open the door. Chances are they’ve felt the same disconnect; your reaching out might make their day.
If your contact list yields no prospects, treat meeting people like a treasure hunt. Go somewhere new and be willing to be the newbie. Join a running group, a gardening club, an art show, a beekeeping meetup, or any local activity that piques your interest. Even in small towns there are clubs and groups; in larger areas the options multiply.
When you go, be present. Put down your phone, look up, and stay a bit after the scheduled activity to chat. If you’ve got kids, linger and talk to other parents instead of rushing off. Many meaningful connections grow from unhurried moments.
It’s okay to try people out and decide they aren’t a close friend. You don’t need a large circle—quality matters. Whether you prefer deep few or many acquaintances, invite connection into your life.
But Lisa, I really don’t have time
If your schedule is packed, combine tasks with company. Run errands together, grocery shop, cook freezer meals side-by-side, go to the hardware store together. Shared chores—cleaning, decorating, gardening, exercising—can be bonding. Showing someone your messy space can be an act of trust and a way to build intimacy without adding extra hours to your calendar.
Prior to friendship, there’s friendliness
Random positive encounters with strangers can restore faith in humanity and brighten our days. David Sax noted that engagement with strangers connects us to community, builds empathy, and brings surprise and wonder. Friendly interactions—smiles in a city, a compliment to a dog owner, a shared laugh in line—may never become long friendships, but they matter. They can lift both you and the person you meet.
On a recent trip to New York City I was struck by how many small friendly moments shaped my experience. People I’ll never see again added warmth to our days. Those brief connections left me with a positive view of the city and its people.
And sometimes a chance greeting or shared moment becomes the start of a lasting friendship. Many deep connections begin unexpectedly.
In closing
One of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes is: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’” We’re all a little odd, and somewhere out there is someone who matches our peculiarities. This year I’m being intentional about reaching out and saying yes.
I’d love to hear your stories of friendship—long-standing bonds, new connections, and friendships that began in unexpected ways. Share what you’re comfortable with in the comments.
Further reading
- Decluttering the Voices in My Life
- Gift Idea: Gift Tags for Gifting Dr. Bronner’s
- Gift Idea: Green Cleaning Starter Kit
- 15 Ideas for Consumable, Sustainable & Homemade Gifting